The older we get the more experiences, mistakes, accomplishments etc… the more we are accepting of life as it comes. When I turned thirty-two I realized instead of dwelling on aging I should be celebrating how far I’ve come, and what I have made it through so far. When tragedy strikes it’s so surprising it’s almost unimaginable, but when it’s over and your still breathing, you think wow I made it, I conquered, I lived. So what’s next? The older you get the more you accept tragedy (or aren’t as surprised) because your experienced, you’ve seen something similar before. It’s always shocking sometimes painful when something happens that you think you can’t handle, or you lose another loved one (maybe your family is dying off) and begin to think when will this end? So this is life?
The night my Grandfather passed away (at home) I was the last one to seem alive. I laid in bed with him, held his hand and told him that he could let go, and that I and my family, would take care of my Nana. He squeezed my hand, looked at me and about ten or fifteen minutes later he died. I knew he was holding on because he was worried about my Nana. That day we not only lost my Grandpa, but we all lost a part of our heart.We also lost my Nana, and suddenly my Nana became lost. Suddenly, she was alone in the world, and had to learn how to take care of herself in her seventies.
It has been three years, and now my Nana is dying. She has dementia, but really good at pretending she knows what’s going on for the most part. She still has an understanding of daily life, I can tell she’s confused as hell. Who wouldn’t be? She knows she is dying, and I can see in her eyes how scared she is. She does not like to show much emotion, fear or defeat. She acts like and says she hasn’t cared about living since she lost my Grandpa. I think she is confused and scared now, because it’s happening to her, and she’s going through it alone without him by her side. This must be the scariest part of her whole life, and fearful. So this is life?
I love how elderly couples just can’t live with out each other, and have truly loved one another for so long. It seems that true, real love, and staying married for fifty or sixty years with the same person; is slowly
slipping from society today. It’s fearful, and saddens me, but most of all it scares the hell out of me (Maybe I’m a romantic, now rare breed). I thought the more we learned as a race the more we would love, but I think it’s the opposite.Will we eventually only breed for royalties instead of love? ADAPTION! I thought the future would bring more love, peace, and understanding as a society and helping each other would be more common and an everyday thing. Humanity is failing miserably. So this is life?
As we sat in the hospital room a nurse came to check in, and all I could think was that I should have that job, I want that job, I need that job. Not being able to see the future and hoping for a good one, I went to college, obtained my degree (two actually), and studied the healthcare field. I worked in it, and thought I was on my way. I devastatingly was unable to finish the rest of my schooling due to an illness (my brain doesn’t cooperate). So there we sat in a hospital room, both dying inside with two “invisible” illnesses, and confused as hell wondering how our health declined so much so fast; knowing we would never get better. It’s quick and easy to fall down, but getting back up is a bitch, harder than falling, and takes an extremely long time (if you can get up). So this is life?
As time goes on, after experiencing and seeing many, many things happen nothing seems to surprise me anymore, maybe I’ve learned to be more accepting. Don’t get me wrong shocking things happen all the time, but I don’t seem to be as shocked anymore when it happens. Maybe I grew up, or have become numb, or maybe I have a new understanding about life, or that part my brain is permanently damaged. Adaption! I don’t know how I feel about it, but I do feel it. The older you get the more you seem to understand what’s going on around us, but it seems just as you seem to be content life is over, and your suddenly realizing your life will soon come to end. So this is life???
After many years or struggle, debate, pain, love, heart-ache, loss, gain, lessons learned etc… I have stopped trying to find the meaning of it all. I stopped asking questions that are impossible to get answers too, stopped wondering what happens in death or if there’s anything after, and every question most seek throughout life. I decided I want to live, and stop questioning the inevitable, because I am sick of worrying about things out of my control, even some things in my control. How can you really live, if your living in fear of death? I don’t want life to me pass me by while wondering what life actually is, I rather live in peace with the factual truth that some things are better left unanswered. So this is life!!!
Until next time…. one love!!!
Jenny
choicesofwisdom 